Luke 22:42: “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”

As I sit down today to write, I realise that my life has shifted a lot – for good. Everything has changed: the definition of freedom, the concept of time, the realisation of blessings. Just in the last 10 years , the answer to the question of not just what my life should look like or what I like or what and how I would like to live my life but the core of who I am and what I was sent to this planet for has changed. My core has changed. I have changed not just my life.

On my old laptop, there is a photo. The photo of a wall where the plans for my whole life were. I was pretty sorted as a teenager. I knew what I wanted from life and had a checklist for everything or I thought so… For a long time, things went as per the vision board untill it didnt.

This post is not about dissapointment. This is about understanding surrender and how that was the best thing that could have happened to me. At this point, I remember one of my friends quoting a statement – “If you want your plans to not work, tell God.

Surrender – one of the most intriguing words for me and a word I have pursued all my life in different forms. It started as simple as reading and internalising Alchemist by Paulo Coelho and ended… well it has not ended. I am still very much in pursuit of true surrender.

With true surrender comes freedom. Freedom not from the material things like freedom of time and money – something like “if time and money were not an issue what could you create” – heard that so many times. But see, thats not it. What could I create? – the real question is what would Abba want me to create? What is his will for me? – so yes, sometimes all the plans do not work as we plan them because He has better plans.

As I was praying today, and I know Holy spirit is teaching me true surrender, a thought came to me. As I write it sitting on my lounge, I realise that my husband and I have had countless conversations about surrender. As I write, I see him sitting focused on his writing but I wonder how I will ever be able to explain what I was shown? – well write and pray that whoever reads this can replicate the message.

I in my own strength am very bad with analogies, so Holy Spirit helped me. Ha! As he always does. Now, I was transported back to the moment in the Maldives. We went there to celebrate my husband Ron’s birthday, and it turned out to be extremely spiritually rich. I digress, so I am in the moment where I have a snorkelling mask on and I am swimming under water. Slow, steady, enjoying the calm, spending time with the fish and suddenly a calm took over me. I realised that I can float. The usual snorkelling masks made me anxious and uncomfortable and I did not get peace enough to float – I always had to remember to do something – breathe, dont breathe, come out of water, ensure I am holding it in the mouth correctly – too many things to remember. So never had the chaance to float. This moment was different and it seemed like God had planned this exact moment so I would enjoy it exactly how it is made for me. I had a mask. I just had to slip in on and phew, I could breathe as though I was above water and I could see so clearly and I had the space and calm to feel….To top it up, the water was gentle, shallow and clear with white sand which allowed me to just be- A state I always want to be in – To be..

Finally it was not an activity in my travel checklist but was an experience. I was in the moment, floating for the first time in my life – I was…

I was calling out his name – I was talking to my Abba and singing to him.. I got a glimpse of true surrender – a moment in time where you leave all control, fear, emotions, to dos and just be.

Well, it did not happen to me but what he did show me was an example – As Ron was floating in peace, I saw a little nervous shark swim by. It was not big enough to cause harm but was big enough to scare. I screamed – “Look out, there is a shark”, and immediately, Ron not just stopped floating in peace, but stood up to see – he was alert! He had to do something. It was in a flash, but his sense of peace was disturbed, his surrender was gone and now it was time to take things in his control. So he started walking back. While in that environment, experiencing a shark swim by was fun and excitement and made good content for the video, it is not so in life – is it?

The worldy cautions and conditoning says that we always have to take action, always have to be alert – “Intention is not enough they say – you need to take action”. Thousands of self help books have been written on how action is important but what it does not talk about is the difference between action and inspired action. When it is inspired, the will comes from God. He directs and we perform – not out of our strength but his, not for our glory but his.

When He wills, we move. But the point to be cautious about here is that “when HE wills” – Once we have surrendered our will to him and our deepest desire is for him to accept the sacrifice of our will and that he guide our actions, miracles happen.

As humans, it is inherent in us to try to take things under our own control. We find it very hard to let it go, to say. His will be done. We feel satisfied in doing something and claiming the success, not sure so much the failure, but regardless, we love that feeling. Often, we give an excuse, that is how I am or that is how he built me. But the truth is – He created us for joy, for worshipping him, to have a connection with Him as his children. Just like a father would want his children to stay connected to him. Nothing different! – but he also gave us a choice.

I have often heard and read this incredible quote and many WhatsApp posts related to the concept – let it go, if it comes to you, it was meant to be yours, if it does not, it was never meant to be….I am sure you have seen many likes on such posts – little do we realise that the template for that came from our Abba – He gives us a choice – a choice to run to Him or a choice to run away. The choice to call upon him in peace as much as in war and a choice to be depressed and anxious. Dont get me wrong, I am not saying depression or anxiety does not exist or are not real or that sadness is all made up and a mindgame. Actually, my husband and I were just having a conversation last evening about how being sad is normal. Even our Yeshua felt sad but when we are really vulnerable to attacks is when we choose to dwell in it instead of lifting it up to Him. He is there, we just need to call upon him. In our stillness, need to reach out to him as a child would to their father. Instead of locking our gaze on Yeshua, the first thing we do is look to the world. When we look to the world, what do we see – we see how happy others are because we are made to believe so. We are made to believe how bad the world is and that there is no hope. We are made to believe that God is nowhere to be seen and we need to be realistic. We need to take control of our lives. No one is coming to save us. We are made to believe that one yellow bottle full with white pills can resolve everything. We are made to believe that we are weak. The only thing that noone tells us is the simplest – sit in stillness, throw your hands out in the air, call upon our Saviour, our Father in Heaven – give everything to him and ask him to take care of it. Just as a little kid who does not want to walk anymore thrown their hand in the air and asks the parent to pick them up, if they are not picked up, they pursue, they trust, they stamp their feet… but there is one thing they do not do – give up.

I am on a journey to find out what makes us not surrender to the All Mighty – the different facets and facts that condition us so deep that even though we know, see and feel things that are so glorious that there are no explalations for them – for some of us – it starts with “if God exists”… or could this have happened? – why do we find it so hard to believe?

I will be pursuing this surrender. I get glimpses, but I want to know the whole… I will call out to Him, believing in miracles, believing that He is perfect and always near me.